Daily Journal of My Darkest Days

November 9th, 2021

I woke up in the morning by a phone call I wish was just a scam. I tried to call my sister and mom, hoped they picked up and told me that it was just a hoax, but… they never answered. I didn’t really understand what happened, everything happened in a flash, and I found myself in a funeral house that night. Everytime I close my eyes, I just hoped that I was in another place when I open up my eyes again. I didn’t sleep that night, wondered if this is just another nightmare I had and hopefully I can woke up from it quickly.

It’s really hard to believe that my mom, my sis, my bro in law, my nephew, my unborn niece are no longer in this world and the house I called my second home is in ruin now because of fire. Never been in my thought that they are gone this way and this soon. There was not even a goodbye. That day, I really thought my life was done for. I kept asking questions that I know I will never find the answers.

[ ^ written some weeks after what happened as a therapy for myself]

God, are you kidding me? Why is my life feels so bitter? Why did you take away my mom, sis, bro, Jason, baby E in such tragedy?


God, please just come already, I couldn’t bear it anymore.

[ ^ this is what I really wrote that night]

November, 24th 2021

I had a dream about my nephew. He was running around happily in a place I don’t know, but I was so happy when I saw him again. I hugged him tightly and told him that I miss him so much and I wish all that happened was just a prank, then he just laughed at me and told me that I’m such a crybaby. There are also some people I don’t know, but everyone is nice and I know it is a better place than this world.

I believe our farewell is just a temporary. Someday in that place, we will meet again. There will be an indescribable joy when that day comes, even more than what I felt in my dream.

Mama, sis, ko, Jason, baby E, up until that day, encourage all of us from up there to finish our race well. Be the cloud of witnesses of our life. Later, we will talk about how papa, Lisa, and I continue our life holding on the hope that we will be reunited again in the most beautiful place we could ever be, in God’s everlasting presence. We miss you all so much and will always keep you all in our hearts.

December 9th, 2021

It has been a month since that day. We bear a lifelong deep scar and trauma, but apparently we are stronger than we thought. I felt numb and emotionless for some weeks, a counsellor told me that it is normal because I was still in shock. Sometimes, there are still many ‘whys’ in my head. We don’t know what God intends to do in our life after this. Our life will not be the same anymore, but I believe that God’s love is always the same for us and someday He will let us know the answers of our questions.

Someone asked me several days ago if I felt any bitterness with God or thinking to leave my faith after what happened with my family. I told her that I will be more suffered if I don’t have any faith in God that He is taking care of my beloveds now in heaven, a place with no sufferings. I could imagine that they are now resting in a safe and beautiful place, cheering on us who are still struggling in this world, and someday God will reunite us again.

Every morning we wake up, something still feels missing deep inside now that there are only the 3 of us, but we will be okay knowing someday we will meet them again. Now, I will continue moving on for them and for those who are still here with me.

Hey, so this is what it means to have a hope in resurrection.

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